Ruth on vacation

Our beloved executive director just sent us this picture of herself hard at work studying nonviolence in New Zealand.

We all hope you're having a good time, and we're not at all jealous.

Or resentful.

*sigh*

Well, back to work.

Guilt

I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Had a job, couple of kids, great wife, friends... a nice dog...

Things were looking pretty sweet.

Then I went to this freaking nonviolent parenting class and now I spend all of my time thinking about what a crappy parent I am, and how I'm always screwing up my kids!

There's a problem here, people.

This philosophy of nonviolent parenting is supposed to support parents. Offer some tools, a new language, a worldview positively oozing with hope, optimism, and a vision of a more peaceful world. Practicing nonviolent parenting is supposed to help strengthen the connection between the parent and the child, to deepen the relationship, to tone your abs while you sleep.

Most of that, anyway.

So why does it leave people feeling so awful sometimes?

It seems that learning this philosophy is kind of risky. It's sort of like being told by some spoiler how the magician saws the lady in half. Once you understand how the illusion works, you can't give the knowledge back, and, maybe it's harder to enjoy the show.

Clever analogy, you might say. My God, what a brilliant blog. You're a genius! you could add, breathlessly, heart pounding in your chest. And so good looking, too. You flatter me. But what am I supposed to do with all of this guilt?

Right, guilt, yes. Sorry. Guilt, like anger, is a compound emotion. Remember the Anger Volcano? The expression of anger is the hot lava exploding from the top of the volcano, but down inside are a bunch of other feelings. Frustration, sadness, fear, hurt... Well, guilt is like that too. We feel disappointed, sad, frustrated, ashamed... and it all comes tumbling down on us like a ton of guilty bricks. Examination of these deeper feelings can really help.

Also, we have a powerful tool in this philosophy, to help mitigate the guilt. It's simple, effective and is guaranteed to look like a full head of natural-looking hair.

Except for that last part.

It's SELF-EMPATHY, and it's really hard to do.

Parenting is extremely hard. No parent thinks that it's easy. Really. To paraphrase Alfie Kohn, they should change the phrase "it's not rocket science," to something a whole lot harder than mere nuclear physics: "hey, it's not parenting!"

Remember that empathy toward yourself isn't about condoning or approving of whatever you did. It's about trying to understand how it happened. Trying to really acknowledge all the stuff inside the volcano. Recognizing that what you're doing is really, really, really tough.

With each moment of conflict and every rupture comes an opportunity for deepening your own emotional intelligence, and for modeling how to repair and reconnect.

We're trying to do something really radical and wonderful by raising our children without violence. Self-reflection and critique can be useful tools for developing useful strategies, but feeling guilty isn't really going to help.

Take a breath. Give yourself some empathy. Get regulated, get back in there, repair the rupture and try again, or your money back.

Except that last thing, we already cashed the check.

Something that really helps with self empathy is... you guessed it, EMPATHY from other people! That's why this philosophy really is about fostering community, and developing networks of support, which will double your investment in six short weeks.

To be continued...

Talking to mean people

Last week I blogged about an unpleasant situation that had occurred involving the child of a CNVEP employee. You may remember that the rotten child, due to "bad manners" had the audacity to yawn during class. Open mouth and everything. Naturally, the child was punished.

So what does a nonviolent, angry parent do when this happens and they want to talk to the teacher? Give empathy, of course!

This letter was written as a response to the whole nasty debacle. The names have been changed, but otherwise, this is really what was written:

Dear Ms. Meanieteacher,

I am writing you this letter regarding Badmannerkid’s “essay.” I can only imagine how hard it is to be teacher to 11 & 12 year olds. I can see why there are moments when you are pushed to use your power over them. In the past, my daughter has come with “extra” homework such as the famous essays. Essays for chewing gum, essays for talking, essays for yawning in class, and last nights essay for being back stage when it was not her turn. I can see that you hope that these essays help her reflect on her actions, but I am concerned. After reading the last essay about manners, I was upset, I was upset that my daughter was not voicing her opinions….that she was silenced. She wrote what she thought you wanted to hear because in our home we have different values and we see “manners” with such a different lens. Children are born with this longing to learn and explore the world. They love learning, but many go into schools where learning becomes a chore. Homework becomes a punishment. Essays put words together to create thoughts. She will write essays for many years to come. Writing essays can be creative and fun. In your classroom they are becoming a form of punishment… in my home they are becoming a form of punishment as well. I know that you are coming from the best intentions, that you have the need to feel accomplished at the end of the day to have order in your classroom. I don’t know what else to say, but for now I have told Badmannerkid that she doesn’t have to do this 500 word essay. We cannot find any more reasons on why she shouldn’t have been back stage. I asked her to stop writing it. She is worried that you will not let her walk on her ceremony, but I do not think that is a valid reason from keeping her off what she likes to do. I had a conversation with her and I hope that you can understand my pont of view. I am not asking her to have special treatment, nor am I trying to step on you shoes. I am just doing my job, advocating for my daughter..

Thank you for your time,

Nonviolent Angrymom

Father's Day. Do the laundry.

Well, Father's day came and went, and to celebrate, I got barfed on.

It all started Fathers Day Eve, which some less observant people might not recognize, but let me assure you that it's a fine occasion for scrubbing vomit out of your clothes.

Sorry. I know, gross.

My four year old puked through that night and the next. So Fathers day saw us nursing a sick kid through the day and night. He was feverish, sad, bored, really needed to be taken care of.

It's really hard to see your kid suffering with an illness. But I gotta say, despite the obvious disgusting-ness of being puked on, it was a great way to mark the occasion. These tiny little people really need us. It was an undeniable marker of how important I am to these little guys.

It was scary to look at him all sweaty and pale, and to recognize the massive responsibility we have. I tried to make him comfortable, held his feverish little body and attempted to dodge the chunks. (sorry, sorry, I know, gross)

He's feeling better now.

And I took a shower.

So happy belated Fathers day. I'll be the tired guy who smells a bit weird and has the big smile on his face.

Daniel Goleman is smart too

Daniel Goleman wrote a great book called Emotional Intelligence, and some other books which are probably pretty dang good too.

Click here to see a video of him saying a bunch of really smart things that are right up the CNVEP alley.

And here's the link to his web site.

And here's a link to a picture of a dog doing a trick at the Kansas state fair. Which has nothing to do with the aforementioned very smart Mr. Goleman.

Kids are Smart

Spiritual Phone Number

Did you know that if you dial (213)HUG-MORMONS, you'll reach The Center For Nonviolent Education and Parenting?

Well, you will.

Hope you have a super day.

Yawning will not be tolerated

Apparently it's a policy in our local schools to punish perpetrators of serious crimes such as this.

A certain student at a certain area school who just happens to be the child of a certain CNVEP employee was busted yesterday for brazenly sucking in oxygen during class. It seems that this kind of selfish, uh... breathing is totally inappropriate for the classroom setting.

"Bad manners," she was told. "It's rude to the teacher."

We have a slighlty different view.

(hmm. I'm not feeling totally nonviolent at the moment. This yawning thing has me in a tizzy. I need to go wash my face.)

In any case, the child in question was forced to write an essay about "manners". When she turned it in late, she was told that it had to double in length.

Not only that, but she was forced to sit in classrooms all day long in horrifically boring classes without yawning.

Good thing she didn't fart.

Neighborhood Plagued by Nonviolence

Los Angeles, CA

For the third time in as many weeks, there was an outburst of nonviolent activity in the Echo Park neighborhood of Los Angeles.

Several children played on a park playground peacefully, but some locals felt uncomfortable about the blatant lack of anxiety and danger.

"What the heck is going on around here?" asked "Esther," a resident alien from New Zealand, who asked that her real name not be used. "This is really freaking me out." She noted that due to what seemed to her to be an overall local increase in empathy, people were likely to continue this pattern of not beating each other up and simply failing to shoot each other.

"There goes the neighborhood," she snarled, and continued spray painting.

Many people are afraid that if this could happen here, the nonviolence could spread to other parts of the city, which could lead to a loss of jobs in the prison sector, not to mention the adverse effect on gun and ammunition sales.

With no foreseeable end to the outbreak of decency and kindness that seems to be sweeping the neighborhood, many locals are resorting to activities such as hand holding, kissing or even worse. Officials are concerned that without violence, many will fall in love and that an increase in population may be imminent.

If the trend doesn't turn around soon, officials fear that we may be seeing shocking scenes of friendship like this one breaking out all over the city.

Wash your face, part two

Ahhh. So much better.

Next to Godliness

I have an extraordinarily clean face.

I don't even use this lovely "Pope-on-a-rope" soap, but still I think that my face is nearer to Godliness than most faces in this part of Los Angeles, perhaps even all of California.

You see, washing my face is the mindful personal practice I use when I feel myself starting to get peeved. And as the father of two boys, aged two and four, I have plenty of opportunities for anger.

Like yesterday.

My kid was, you know, having big feelings. Loud. With flying shoes. And one of the flying shoes hit me in the head. Stee-rike! Sounded a bit like a champagne cork popping. Felt more like a shoe in the face. I was surprised, to say the least, but not nearly as surprised as he was.

"Daddy!" he yelled, before I had a chance to even respond, "Go wash your face!"

I suppose it sounds a bit chaotic, and to be honest, sometimes it is. But as I was toweling myself off, I couldn't help but smile. I think maybe that this is what a functional family looks like: a kid who's not afraid to give Dad a pointer about how to regulate his feelings, and a Dad who's not afraid to take the kid's advice.

So my suggestion? Next time you feel the volcano starting to simmer, go get yourself a nice bar of something clean and start scrubbing.