Hi gang-

I got a great email about kids giving empathy to each other from Lori over at teach-through-love.com that i wanted to share with you. here's what she has to say:

In case anyone is ever feeling drained with how much time it seems to take to parent consciously or how frustrating it can be when we can't get out of the house by 8:45 because we're busy validating feelings and needs - here's a little story that made me remember why it's all worth it.

Maia Luna and I were on our way home from Stacy's amazing movement class yesterday with our friends and Maia Luna's buddy Nevin was upset because he wanted to go to a restaurant (we sometimes go after class). When he found out we weren't "going to the restaurant" he burst into tears. Traci and I looked at each other like, "Okay, how are we gonna get out of this one..." and then before either one of us said a word, Maia Luna turned to him from her car seat and said, "You wanted to go to the restaurant... You thought we were going."

She had so much compassion in her tone and eyes, I didn't know whether to crack up or cry. Nevin calmed down enough to listen to her, nodded his head whimpered "yes, I'm sad!" - then wailed as more tears poured out. "I know, I know, You're sad." ML said nodding with him. "I know...you thought we were going. But guess what! We are going to go home - to the Papa Nick restaurant and then you will have a delicious... somewhere shortly after that sentence, her reasoning turned into a jumbled mess of nonsensical words (she's 3) but she did it with a big finish and a smile and it made Nevin laugh and then he forgot all about how he wanted to go to the restaurant.

And his Mama and I didn't have to say a word.

So the next time somebody complains (or suggests) that attachment parented kids are the rudest generation in history or that this nonviolent parenting stuff is crap - just give 'em the finger and tell them to "model this..." Err, no I mean, just point to your child and say, "time will tell."

Hear, hear. Thanks, Lori!

A Nod From President Obama

Hey nonviolent parents!

Did you catch the moment in Obama's inauguration speech about us?

"...It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job that sees us through our darkest hours. It's the firefighter's courage to storm a staiway filled with smoke, but also A PARENT'S WILLINGNESS TO NURTURE A CHILD THAT FINALLY DECIDES OUR FATE."

Wow.

A parent's willingness to nurture a child...!

Well, research does show that nurturing, loving, warm, connected parenting helps children with all sorts of things from optimizing brain growth and improving social skills to behavioral issues including prevention of violent crimes.

Besides, our president says it will decide our fate. Not that we needed him to agree, but... this really is the way to change the world!

:-)

I gotta admit, it's a bit uncomfortable for me to agree so strongly with the chief executive. I guess I'm just out of practice.

I know that everyone is broke, and things are tough out there. But let me just wish you all a great, hopeful day.

The truth about giraffes

We've been talking for years about how giraffes are the land animals with the largest hearts.

"What a nice metaphor," we've always said, "for the nonviolent paradigm." And sighing peacefully to ourselves, we've imagined the gentle creatures nuzzling their young, and cooing little giraffish lullabies.

That was before we saw this.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Spanking: Total Bummer? Or Just Unimaginative and Mean?

It's nonviolent smackdown time!

CNVEP is an expert in a debate about spanking children. We're obviously arguing the "no" position on the question of whether or not spanking is "an acceptable form of discipline."

Here's the link.

It's at a really cool site called Opposing Views where they argue about all kinds of stuff. Please visit the site and chime in.

Laundry, part two

We're not sure if it was food poisoning or the flu.

(Feel free to skip to a different blog entry. I don't really want to hear about this, either...)

This time it was my two year old. Of course we took the sheets off of his bed to clean them. While those sheets were off, he was in our bed...

And then, while our sheets were off, I was holding him...

So I'm thinking about investing in one of these fine looking hazardous materials outfits. Can you put these in the dryer?

(Someone just brought it to my attention that if you're reading this for the first time, or if you're kind of dim, you might not realize that I don't actually think that it's a good idea to wear a radiation suit while holding my sick child... So... No, I don't think it's a good idea. It was intended to be a silly joke. OK?)

He felt completely better the next morning, and ate the biggest breakfast of his life. I felt totally wrecked, and despite two showers, I swear I can still smell it.

Nonviolent parenting angle? Barf washes off. Attachment is pretty indelible. Deep connection is really special, and it's worth it. Hold those little kids when they're healthy and hold 'em when they're sick. Learn to dodge better than me or get a radiation suit.

I promise no more blogs about puke for the rest of the day.

Teen is Beautiful

It happens every Saturday at 11:00am.

They gather here at the Center, a tornado of rabid and vicious depravity...

...what is the menace that plagues our streets?

...I'm talking about...

(cue dramatic music)

...TEENAGERS!!! AAAAAAH!

Each week, our own courageous parent educator, Gisela Burquet, bravely risks life and limb by entering the pit of crazed teens. Here's what she has to say about it:

I know, I know… I hear it all around: teens are rebels, teens are apathetic, teens are withdrawn, teens talk back. See, I happen to think differently. Maybe it’s because the teens I see every week have taught me that, when treated with genuine respect, they are grateful, funny, smart, vulnerable, courageous, honest, and affectionate. And they long for meaningful connections with adults who care for them.

Every Saturday morning a group of parents with their teenage children get together to learn to create nonviolent relationships. The parents in this group have completed at least the ten-week series of the parenting program. They are committed parents, open to deeply listen to their teens. And the teens are committed teens, willing to share their feelings and needs, and their points of view.

And the mix is just beautiful! Of course, not all the teens arrive the first weeks open to share; they have experienced the dominant paradigm enough to be suspicious of adults with authority. But they soon learn this group is an environment in which no one is criticized or judged, and no one is there to be fixed.

Youth and adults take turns in sharing funny anecdotes, vulnerable feelings, conflicting points of view. They listen to one another with respect, they give one another empathy. And the group supports every participant, parent or youth, to feel safe, to be honest, and to be themselves. There’s laughter, silence, tears, smiles, problems, hugs: there’s love. There’s healthy love, created by a group of adults wanting to love their children well, and a group of adolescents generous enough to let them.

I know we have high competition: summer, swimming pools, quinceañeras, programs with friends. But the group keeps growing! Moms invite Dads, and youth invite friends and cousins, who in turn, invite their moms. Yes, we are growing: as a group, as families, as people.

One of the parents wrote on her t-shirt: “Teen is Beautiful.” Are we starting a movement?

Gisela

La Juventud Es Hermosa

Yo se, Yo se… Lo escucho por todos lados: los adolescentes son rebeldes, son necios, son agresivos, son irrespetuosos. Pero yo tengo otra opinión. Tal vez es porque los adolescentes que yo veo todas las semanas me han enseñado que cuando se los trata con genuino respeto, ellos son agradecidos, agradables, inteligentes, vulnerables, valientes, honestos y afectuosos. Y anhelan tener conexiones profundas con adultos que los quieren bien.

Todos los sábados por la mañana un grupo de padres y madres con sus adolescentes se reúnen para aprender a crear relaciones noviolentas. Los adultos del grupo han completado, por lo menos, una serie de diez semanas del programa de crianza. Son padres y madres comprometidos, abiertos a escuchar a sus adolescentes profundamente. Y los adolescentes son jóvenes comprometidos, dispuestos a compartir sus sentimientos y necesidades y sus puntos de vista.

¡Y la mezcla es simplemente hermosa! Por supuesto, no todos los jóvenes llegan las primeras semanas dispuestos a compartir; ya han tenido suficientes experiencias en el paradigma dominante como para sospechar de adultos con autoridad. Pero pronto aprenden que este grupo es un lugar en donde nadie es criticado ni juzgado, y que nadie está allí para que lo corrijan.

Jóvenes y adultos toman turnos para compartir anécdotas divertidas, sentimientos vulnerables, puntos de vista encontrados. Se escuchan los unos a los otros con respeto, se dan empatía. Y el grupo apoya a todos los participantes, padres e hijos, a sentirse seguros, a ser honestos, y a ser ellos mismos. Hay risas, silencios, lágrimas, sonrisas, problemas, abrazos: hay amor. Hay amor sano, creado por un grupo de adultos que quieren bien amar a sus hijos, y un grupo de jóvenes que, generosamente, se dejan amar.

Yo se que tenemos alta competencia: el verano, las piscinas, las quinceañeras, los programas con amigos. ¡Pero el grupo sigue creciendo! Las madres invitan a los padres, los jóvenes invitan a amigos y primos, que invitan a sus madres. Si, estamos creciendo: como grupo, como familia, como personas.

Una de las mamás escribió en su playera: “La Juventud Es Hermosa”. ¿Estaremos comenzando un movimiento?

Gisela

Spreading The Word About Nonviolent Parenting

It's guest blogger time again, folks!

Today's post comes from the notorious "Volcano Boy," a CNVEP regular and genuinely alright guy (this photo doesn't really do him justice.)

Anyway, he was out there spreading the word about the philosophy of NVP and encountered some difficulty. Here's what he has to say about it:

I’m at this party with a bunch of people who would seem to be pretty intelligent judging by their college degrees and their success in the world of having more than decent paying jobs, and I bring up the topic of how I go to “The Center.” We call it that in our family even though my kids are not old enough to have watched “The Pretender” televison show where “The Center” was an ominous place.

Anyway, I gave a brief description of the philosophy of “The Center” and why I go (to be a better parent/person) and one of the ladies said to me and I quote, “I have no desire to be a better parent. I have no problem screaming at my kids.” I was stunned silent. I mean, what the heck do you say to that? I, of course, regrouped and countered with a barrage of empathetic statements.

“Wow, it must be really hard to be such a close-minded person. It must be so difficult on your vocal cords. I imagine the strain on your ears having to hear your own shrill voice must be positively painful for you.”

I guess I need to work on my empathy. This is what we are up against oh CNVEP’ers. Good luck to us all and to us all I wish all good things.

Sincerely, Volcano Boy (active but erupting less and less)

Thanks, V-Boy. Hang in there. Remember when you used to look like this? That's still you, buddy. Hope you have a lava-free day...